Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Runner or Fighter?

Admittedly, and sadly, I'm a runner. I've ran from a lot of situations and grand opportunities. Truth of the matter is, as soon as things get tough I put on my running shoes and make a run for it. Why I run? Because I don't like the possibility of becoming second. In order to remain second to none I usually run, run as fast as I can, run until I'm out of breath and perhaps full of regret. I would always think, "what are the possibilities for me to win this?", and the thought of losing, the slightest humiliation, rejection or pain makes me run from it.

If I didn't run, I would probably have made it through a first audition at the X-factor in 2010, completed an audition for a record label or worked at my dream job by now. I always had an excuse for everything ("Oh, I'm afraid X-factor will change me", or, "I don't feel the job is 100% me). They were too big for me I thought. Way too big for me to handle. Fame? I didn't like the idea of more people knowing me or being let into my world. To me, my world was already crowded, where there once used to be only one person. Over the years I would make loads of contacts/friends, but my fear of closeness caused me to lose touch with most of them. I ran once again.

Running for me is an automatic reaction which - over the past few years - has become ingrained in my system. I always look for a different opportunity whenever I've been let down, hurt or disappointed, or whenever I'm too scared to approach something which is out of my league. But, I'm done running. I can't run forever. If I keep running I'll be halfway across the world by the end of it all. Why? Because I tend to move from a country where I've reaped bad memories. Running is a weakness, a form of escapism, and without it I probably would have achieved more, kept more friends. If I stay and fight, what's the worse that can happen? Losing is inevitable at times, but it makes you stronger. If you don't die from it, you learn from it.

You can't always win, and by running I wasn't winning but showing what a coward I was. I may have lost some grand opportunities, but I don't believe it's too late. I believe it's never late for a person, not until they draw their last breath. There's still hope - for everyone. It's okay to get scared, but you don't have to run and hide anymore. Stay and fight.