Monday, September 3, 2012

Until we meet again...

I was never good at keeping in touch...

I've passed through several eras in life, and I can't remember the last time I was able to keep in touch with at least more than 5 people.  Keeping in touch with even one person seemed like a hassle, because I was so busy with myself and what there was of me and my life (although there wasn't always much to my life).

There was never a person more important than myself, and that wasn't because I didn't care, but because I often wanted to hold on to good memories instead of straining them.  I wanted to keep the seasons I'd spent with all those wonderful people, instead of carrying them over to new chapters in my life - and this made the people I had met in all those different eras, belong to different seasons in my life.

There were people I wanted to forget, not because I had had bad experiences with them, but because they belonged to the eras in which I had had many painful experiences etc. Whenever I'd think of them, I'd think of the things I'd gone through and how they were there, and want to forget them immediately. Some may say that is strange, but to me that was a normal thing to do - to push away those people who belonged to a past I dreaded. If a person ever hurt me, they were blacklisted in my book, and no matter 'how close to them' I'd wish to grow if I ever got past it, I never could.

I wish I could put a finger on what it is that causes me to be so bad at keeping in touch with people, but there is no answer.  The fact that people actually think I resent them or don't want to be their friends because I'm not as good as keeping in touch as they would like, makes me give up altogether. I never was, and perhaps if I work hard enough at keeping in touch I'll get better, but I believe I might never be.

"I never changed. Your perception of me did"

It's funny, because I now start realising what it is people see in relationships all the time 'You've changed'. Point of correction 'I've always been like this, you just overlooked it.' Years and years you have people who have 'accepted' you the way you are, and things are all good,  until they decide that it isn't working anymore - that's when the arguments pour in, the speeches about how you've changed, even though you've been the same person for several years. 

I was never good at keeping in touch, and whoever 'accepts' me should know that I try, but after several years of acceptance they might turn around and make an excuse for how I've changed, when really they are just tired of keeping up with it. 

And finally, after searching so long for an answer, the answer to why it was that I wasn't good at keeping in touch with people, even though I really liked them - it was because I didn't like the era they had come from, the things they reminded me of. Even though I tried to erase those bad memories, and tried seeing those people outside of those seasons, it never worked. 

I've had some great memories, and I find myself wanting to keep in touch with quite a lot of people these days, but I only stand to see whether I'll be better at it this time. Maybe the good memories will encourage me to do so, but if not, until we meet again.....