Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I'm a train wreck in the morning....

I sat watching a drama yesterday until 1 am in the morning or something (right before the internet decided to cough and retire for the day....O.o Painfully frustrating) and couldn't help but ponder on a part in the episode I was watching. The characters had gone to watch a play and these words were spoken in the play.  Well, not exactly in the same way I'm rewriting them, but something like that at least:

                           Scene: Two people sitting on a Seesaw  (man and a woman) 





Woman speaking to the man: To possess is to lose. To have marriage is to lose marriage. To have money is to lose money, to love is to lose love... If I never have I won't know what it feels like to lose it. 

Man speaking to the woman: Now you know why I can never love you. 

BAM! - That's what my thoughts used to be. It's like they were speaking my thoughts. I used to think that if I never married, if I never had children etc I would never have to feel what it feels like to lose something. I wouldn't know the feeling because I'd never have had them in the first place, and that's what kept me running away from my feelings and denying them - simply because I hate losing anything. I know what it feels like and I don't want to feel it again. It's terrible how some things can never be because of past experiences, even if one wants it so badly.

Perhaps one day the people who are running will stop running; the people who are denying will stop denying and come to terms with their feelings. Why do we run? Is it because we are afraid of losing?  - The question doesn't have to be answered, but it's actually something to think about.

I must admit that even though the play was within the drama, it really had me. I really felt it and it really made me think and reflect my own mindset and how I've been seeing and thinking about things lately.

People love and never tell because they're afraid, or because they'd rather leave it at being happy. They don't want to know what hurt is, and sometimes outsiders can't understand this. Outsiders can't understand it if they are the ones wanting to love the person who won't tell, who 'doesn't want to be loved'. Love is a beautiful thing, losing it is not.

Here I am babbling again.... I'll just go and make some breakfast...