Sunday, August 14, 2011

Life after the wedding...

It feels as though I closed my eyes and opened them again, and BAM, everyone has decided to get engaged, married or pregnant; like there's some kind of engagement/marriage/pregnancy epidemic going around. 

I'm only 21, yet people younger than myself are getting pregnant and planning families etc., and although I'm not supposed to feel any pressure, I end up feeling pressure, because it all of a sudden feels like I'm freaking 40 and in a mid-life crisis. 

Don't get me wrong. Planning a family is far from me and so is getting married at the moment. I feel as though most people have forgotten that there's life after the wedding, and there's certainly kids to take care of after birth, so it's going to take a lot more of a person's effort than just bearing a child for nine months and then pushing it out as quick as possible. 

Of course getting married is tempting, but I feel as though people only think about having a bliss wedding these days, and that they pay little mind to the actual life that comes after; the thing called bondage marriage. If it were as easy as to get married then I guess I'd be married by now. I would just go for any one person on the streets I suppose. 

I see kids and I want to have kids myself. It's like I get jealous whenever someone's pregnant, but then I thank God I don't have kids once I see my crazy cousins running around like monkeys on sugar. They're cute of course, but they're meant to be so much more than just cute, and therefore if a baby is wanted because of their cute nature, then I assume a person is not ready for kids yet. 

Is it when one hits 20 that they realise they're not getting any younger? Because while my peers were crying when they had hit 18, I wasn't thinking so much about it. But then it finally hit me after some time that: "OMGoodness, this happens to everyone. We're all in it together!" And then the panic started seeping in. 

So, while everyone is busy getting married and 'popping' out babies, I just want a successful 'final' academic year (depending on a master degree or not), a progressive career and a meaningful relationship.

Yeah I had my moment of thinking this one guy was 'The one', the only guy actually, after having encountered a few guys (that sounded more right in my head..), although I had a pretty good relationships with some of them. But not the type where I actually cared for any of them; those relationships were more of the kind where I thought about what I could gain, what was best for me etc, always keeping in the back of my mind that I had to hurt before I got hurt. 

The one relationship where I completely let go of all the foolishness and where I cared less about myself and gave more of myself, is the one relationship that I miss the most. If anything, it would be the one thing I would want back if I could have just one single wish.  But, plenty of fish out there, right? However, it's hard to look at other fish when the fish I caught was slightly more 'Amaizching' (as he would often put it ^^) than the rest. 

I'll never forget the way he used to look at me, and I could swear that I'd never seen so much compassion in a guy's eyes, and when he would hug me it would be genuine, warm and kind. I'd be lying if I said that I would not want that kind of embrace everyday of my life. He was different because of the simple fact that I recognised his weaknesses, acknowledged that he was not perfect and that he had flaws too. For once in my life I had not tried to make him seem like the perfect guy. 

I liked him because he was goofy, always said silly things, of which at times I never really understood, but I loved listening. I always felt protected when he was close, and hardly worried about anything. The first guy I would sing to without blushing or feeling embarrassed, and he would encourage me to join 'Britain's got talent'  or 'X-factor'. Yes, I felt at ease with him and felt like I could be myself and be goofy, because that would at least make us two.

Before I get carried away and assume that this is my 'personal' diary, I'm just going to get to the point. 

Marriage is forever, and is nothing compared to the 'bliss'  wedding one decides to have (big or small), so there's no rush, but when one does find their 'best friend' they should be unwilling to let go.

I hope someday I'll be able to feel that warm embrace again, the compassion and the care, even though it might not be from the same person. Everyone wants to be happy ^^