Saturday, April 2, 2011

Whose fault was it?

I am currently listening to Brandy's soothing voice blast through the stereo. The words Thank you for all the tears, all the stress, you're the best, I feel blessed, I'm a better woman now. Look how I smile. All you did was help the next man. This experience made me who I am have meant a lot to me through the years, and I knew at some point they would mean a lot more to me.

Someday I hope I will sincerely be able to thank him for leaving me, for hurting me the way he did. Even though I am able to smile and be happy and pretend that it doesn't hurt or sting as much, it really does on the inside, and I can only cry by myself because people just won't understand how much it hurts.

"You're young, you'll find someone else" or "there are plenty of fish in the sea, you deserve better" are words one gets really tired of hearing after some time. You always wonder if "better" was the person who left you. In the end you'll never find Mr.Perfect (as there is no such thing), only Mr.Right, a person who will be right for you.

It's not easy to forgive, and although I have forgiven and learnt to accept the situation it doesn't change the fact that I feel like that person should be experiencing the exact same pain or realise his loss.

"You're way too good for him." Then why did he fail to see that? How come after 11 months of sacrifice, I'm still the one to lose?

Is it love when you are willing to risk a lot for a person or just blindness? Of course there is a limit, because we're humans and our love is unconditional until up to a certain point, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that it is completely unconditional.

A part of me cries whenever it remembers, another part of me wishes him all the happiness in the world and the third part wishes he would go through the exact same thing.

"It will be okay, you'll find someone else." Truth be told, I don't want anyone else and I am not looking for anyone else either. There is a point in one's life when if they can't have a certain thing, nothing else is good enough.

If you have saved up for a certain laptop and you fell in love with all its features and functions, why would you all of a sudden want to go for anything other than the laptop you have dreamt of and saved up for? I feel it's the same with this person at the moment. I worked and put in effort for it to work and because it has not I don't feel like wasting my time on anything else.

The song carries on .... Sick of all the questions, all the whats and whys. What happened why'd you break up, why we never see you cry? ... Do you know how it feels to hurt behind closed doors?..And when you go outside you're wondering what you're smiling for.

No matter how much you wish for a person to feel the exact same way you do it won't change anything. So what if they suffer heartbreak. So what if the person they have fallen madly in love with them leaves them. It will never change the way you feel or the way they have started to feel about you.

The words kept playing over and over like a bad dream whereby I had to pinch myself to make sure they were real. I couldn't believe he had brought it to an end after he had begged me not to end it, after he had said he still wanted to be with me and had promised his heart was mine. Empty promises. ..

What hurts the most is not that he decided to leave, but why he left.

It felt as though he had built up my hopes only to crush them. Begged me to hang on while he was letting go. I can't explain how I feel because "over" means "over" and there is really nothing to talk about after that. It was so easy for him to end it like that while he had made me feel bad in the beginning because I was trying to forget "us".

How quickly my fragile heart fell for this person, regardless of what people were saying. Even so, I do hate when people say "I told you so", I am not in need of hearing those words. But when a guy hurts you like that and you feel like you've completely wasted the words "I love you" is it really easy for you to love again?

I hate the misuse of the words "I love you" and therefore I am angry about the fact that it feels like they were used in vain. I wanted them to count forever and not be used loosely. I honestly thought this time it would not be meaningless. My heart has been sewn up and placed back together too many times that it doesn't feel like it can take much more, but perhaps I haven't even felt the worst.

It really isn't fair to others when a person has been hurt badly, because it will take time for them to heal and time for them to give anyone a chance at all. Some people never heal and decide to stay away from people who wish to love them.

It's funny just how many times it is possible for a person to vow that they will never fall for anyone and they just happen to do so not long after. I am pretty much trying my best to work on myself and become a better person someone will be capable of loving.

Pain never truly goes away, and at times there are things there to remind you of what a person has done to you, but to dwell on it wouldn't exactly be healthy.

No matter how many times I have stated that I wish to let go, I really am thankful he let me go first, that way it would be easier to have a reason to move on.