Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Writing a letter and calling it even...

I have never been particularly good with talking. I stutter and take long to make a point or to reach a conclusion, repeating myself about a hundred times. Sometimes I even end up forgetting what it was my point was. It is so different when I write. I am able to think, go back, rewrite, edit and do things I would never have been able to if I were speaking.

Writing has always been something I greatly admire. In it I find strength, but also weakness. It's something which for me has never gone wrong once I write from the heart. Writing is the only way I am able to fully express myself, not hiding neither thoughts nor feelings, they just flow through my fingers.

Because there has been a situation which just seems to bother me even after several months, which only results in crying and hurting, I often write as the only form for therapy. I would hate to have to bore someone with several days of blabbering about my hurt, my pain, confusions and problems. I'd rather just write in either codes or overt black on white.

Today I went ahead and wrote a letter (as if I would ever send it in a million years....), expressing my feelings and my innermost thoughts. Some of the things I wrote down I had never directly said and even though the letter may never be read by the person which it would have been addressed to, it felt as though I was talking to them and that they had been forced to listen. After I had written the letter in mounds of tears and bitterness I finally wrote a list of pros and cons, and in addition to all the cons I could find with the person, I only managed to find two pros.

If a person is able to make you happy and make you smile is that enough reason to outweigh 10 cons?

I think I just learnt something today, although I should have perhaps seen it a long time ago.

When you truly care about someone it does not matter how many cons you can write about them, because as soon as they make you smile or make you happy it seems to be enough to get rid of all the bad things.

I used to think it made sense to let go of something as long as you found enough reasons to, but it's not like that at all. You don't let go of family members just because you find reasons to. We're quick to forget about all the good things sometimes and quickly pounce on all the negative stuff.

Each day is a lesson, and I'm always thrilled to learn.

Does it mean you really care about someone when you are able to forgive them in favour of all the nice things they have ever done, even if they do not measure up to all the bad stuff they have done to you? (or perhaps you just lost count and it turns out they haven't actually done that many bad things to you)
                                                  Love lives in strange places, but not everyone believes in it.
On the basis of getting hurt a lot of people give up on love. Will you?