Thursday, November 18, 2010

You'd think I'd learn from the burn

In natural science during my time at primary and even my early days in secondary (high) school, we would always learn about the brain and how it controls the rest of the body. If a person puts their hand on something hot, the nerves in their skin send signals of pain to the brain and the brain sends a message back, telling the muscles in the person's hand to pull away. I'm sure if not being able to learn from liking someone were to be applied to this kind of logic, my brain wouldn't react to the pain and I'd only keep my hand on the hot object or in the fire for that matter.

It's so easy for me to write about being absolute head over heels for a guy, because I've been there so many times, and sometimes I wish I hadn't, because that would make it easier to appreciate when a guy comes along and actually, genuinely likes me. And it would also have saved me from looking like a complete ass in front of guys who all had girlfriends (after treating me like shit) while I suffered the single syndrome, despite the saying about Karma being a bitch.

It's a bit weird how I never learnt; not even from the incident where I was beaten up after school in primary by a guy warning me to leave him alone because he had found a "love letter" I had placed in his bag, or the time I had spent hours on end, losing sleep because I was making a Valentine's day card by hand for a guy- only to have  it ripped to shreds right in front of my eyes. After billions of failed "love declarations" I should be a man hater right? WRONG.

Most of us keep denying it, but we simply can't live without our counterpart, no matter how much they treat us like dirt or even less for that matter, (although I cannot seem to come up with what would be lower than dirt.... Shit perhaps?...) like when you've spent so much money buying those new shoes and you just happen to step into a big pile of Dog SHIT! That's almost how it feels. Spending effort and time on getting hurt and finding out that no matter how much you vow to yourself you won't fall for the next guy, you just happen to do so.

My case is much more different than you would think. I used to pick myself a target, as weird and out of the ordinary that might sound. This leads me to think that I might have actually gotten a thrill out from getting hurt. At one point I told a friend of mine that I would start liking this particular guy in school because he seemed cute and kind, and BAM! I started liking him and it caused me to do a lot of stupid things, and in the end also left me with a broken heart.

I'd often lay all my cards on the plate(just tell the guy I liked straight forward that I liked him) because I simply couldn't be bothered anymore. I'd wasted too much of my time liking from a distance, daydreaming about how they would feel the same way once I told them, being insecure, sending stupid text messages and bombarding them with IMs online. I figured that if I told them it would save me millions of years waiting. I'm not that patient unless a person is absolutely worth my time.

Sometimes it isn't because people are incapable of learning that they do not learn. It's often because they are unwilling to learn. They simply don't want to learn because they are too comfortable in the position they are in. They love the pain, but can't admit it to themselves. Why else would people carry on staying in a relationship going nowhere when they know that's the case? Or spend their time holding unto a cheating bastard? Some don't think they are able to do any better and therefore they just stay where they are.

I would often like a guy for years on end because I'd think they would eventually feel the same. What a waste of time, and it certainly didn't make it better that my friends would assure me "It's his loss"when most of the time it was a case of  liking from a distance, being anonymous and sending irritating messages. We were young, naive and stupid!  :P Girls often like to assure themselves that it's a guy's loss when really it's their loss of time. Of course even if a guy fails to realize you are AMAZING he might never. That's only the truth.  Most times blindness cannot be cured.   ....... And you deserve someone who can see you!

Chika x x