Saturday, November 13, 2010

The me they never see

"Shots to your heart without breaking your skin. No one has the power to hurt you like your kin. Kept it inside. Didn't tell no one else. Didn't even want to admit it to yourself." As the lyrics to India Arie's song ring in my head, I can't help but think about the past. It's a lot easier to forget about people who have hurt and done you wrong when you are happy. You never really think about it until someone hurts you again.

When I was younger I was so naive it was unbelivable, but then, point out a child who isn't naive at the early stages of their life. Almost every child is draped with the cape of innocence and barely knows of evil. Had anyone told me it would be those who I held closest or those whom I thought I could trust that would hurt me, I would probably have laughed them in the face saying they had no idea what they were talking about. Of course I know a lot more now compared to what I did then.

The friends I knew and "loved" would abandon me in situations where I needed them the most. At times I was left by myself in a huge crowd of people I feared with nowhere to turn, just waiting for execution.
Even the people of no significance to me would end up hurting me because I let them. Because I gave in to the weak and helpless person they thought I was.

One could argue that we were young then and that the things done to me were not intentional and that perhaps, given the chance to do so - most of the people who hurt me would undo it. After gaining my confidence and working on accepting myself it was as though I did not need to hear the apologies I had longed for all those years. I never thought about all the times I cried my eyes out because I felt hopless, victimized and stripped to the point where I looked pathetic in their eyes. All I cared about was happiness.

I acknowledge that I am weird on so many levels, but my character is what makes me into ME. When I sing there are much more emotions put into the songs. I don't just sing them. You can hear the pain in my voice, the aching of my heart, all of it released into eternity. 

After so many years of the past constantly haunting me, I have decided to come to terms with it. No more feeling insecure because of how people made me feel back when I was younger. No more crying because I'm "different"  or because I don't fit in. I'm glad I don't fit in, and I'm glad I never will. 

I prefer to be quiet than talk about things I don't know about. I prefer not to say anything than look like an idiot trying to jump into a conversation I'm not comfortable in. I prefer to be myself and happy rather than being miserable just to fit the expectations people have of me.

The only thing that has kept me sane and kept me from releasing all my hurt, anger and pain from twenty years into one year is the fact that I have chosen to let it all go for the sake of being happy. Only I will ever truly know what all this is about...... But...
If people accept me then I know it's for who I am and not for who they think I am or who they want me to be.

Chika xx x